What do you say when you see someone for the first time since they have experienced a significant loss? My recommendation is to simply say:

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

Nothing more and nothing less. There is no need for a profound statement, but simply acknowledge the person’s loss and then be silent. The person you have said this to has several choices of response:

• “Thank you, I appreciate your thoughtfulness.” Nothing more may be said. Or,
• “Thank you. Yes, it has been very difficult and we really miss…, etc., etc.”

I know many of us are very uncomfortable as we don’t know what to say. I didn’t know before we suffered the loss of our son Chris in September 2017. Now, I will always say “I’m sorry for your loss.” Even if I barely know the person, and their loss may have happened 5 years ago, if the person tells me she lost her husband 4.5 years ago, I will say “I’m sorry for your loss.”

Why?

• When we acknowledge a person’s loss, we let the person know we care.
• If the person with loss doesn’t wish to talk about it, he or she can simply say thank you and move to a different topic. But I am pretty sure they will appreciate your sympathy.
• If the person would like to discuss their loss, then you have opened the door to possibly allow more healing. Personally, I find it therapeutic when I talk about my son. I may start to cry, but it’s a good cry. It means I love him; I miss him and he’s not forgotten. On the other hand, my wife Rose Mary may simply appreciate your acknowledgement of our loss, but she may not wish to speak about it any further.

I can’t stress how important this topic is as most of us have not been taught what to do or say in such circumstances. I have had people say nothing and I could tell they, actually both of us, were uncomfortable, so I started talking about Chris and they thanked me because they wanted to talk and acknowledge my loss, but were afraid of making me sad by saying something. Again, in my opinion, “I’m sorry for your loss” is all that needs to be said.

Our family, particularly our daughter-in-law (Chris’ wife) Marie, have found that younger people struggle most with this delicate situation. While I completely understand this, I hope you will share our experience with your children so that they will know how to respond to someone they may not know very well, who has suffered a significant loss.

 

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